


'JANUS'

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Deceit | Janus Sanders Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Light Angst, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:00:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27147691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Janus almost regretted it, especially now that he's in a relationship with the side who spurred on the marking of his skin.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 4
Kudos: 88





	'JANUS'

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know why my summaries always sound completely different from what the story actually is i'm sorry--

It wasn't easy to explain why Janus had his name carved into his skin. 

Well, at least, he didn't think it would be. 

No one's found out yet. 

It.. hurts him to remember why he now has a scar marking 'JANUS' into his upper arm. 

He remembers that night so fucking clearly, and he almost hates thinking of it. 

He's in a better mental state now, he knows that, and it just sucks to imagine himself feeling so bad as to do that to himself. 

Especially since he's self-preservation.. but that doesn't matter now. 

What's done is done. 

It happened, yes, and Janus almost regrets it. 

He almost regrets that night. 

_Janus popped up in his room with an urgency only the promise of relief self harm could give him._

_But that wasn't what he was going for this time._

_This time, he doesn't deserve to relieve himself of the stinging pain in his chest, of the endless chant of the words and phrases he knows are true and yet hates hearing, he doesn't deserve any of that at all right now._

_Right now, he needs something else entirely._

_Grabbing his razor was quite the task, considering how shaky his hands had become in just a matter of seconds._

_So pathetic, no wonder Roman hated him with the sheer passion he does._

_Roman._

_He was doing this for Roman._

_The way Roman said Janus's name, the way Roman talked about Janus's name, the way it made Janus feel, the way Roman knew he was making Janus feel._

_The venom of which Roman regarded him with._

_The way they'd both treated each other in the past, the way Janus tried to repent for it, the way Roman didn't let him and only tore him down more._

_Janus knew what he had to do._

_Was he breaking his temporary clean streak just to mark himself with the word which he was spoken to in such a vile tone?_

_Yes._

_He'd never heard so much negative emotion in a single word than when Roman spoke his name._

_Roman, the prince, the savior, the one good half of creativity, looked down upon his name with so much passion and hatred bred from the same evil he now knew the proper name of._

_Janus._

_So, that's what he did._

_Janus, with surprisingly steady hands, a cold hard grip enough to make his fingers ghost white, and a determination that was widely known to spark in creativity, a personification of the being who now hated Janus with the wrath (and fear) only Anxiety was previously known to possess, slowly carved his name into his skin, permanently marking himself as the bad guy and as every other term Roman has spoken to him as._

_He'd forever have the reminder of how deeply and fiercely Roman despised his very existence, and how to speak his name was the single worse thing that's ever dared to bestow upon a great force such as himself._

Janus is reminded of that night everytime he takes off his shirt. 

Everytime he showers, he sees his name ingrained into his arm by his own hand. 

In the days, even months, after making the permanent change to his body, he felt a sense of pride and belonging when he gazed at the mutilation he caused himself. 

It felt right to have that there, nothing more than a sticky note of a reminder that he is, and will forever be, the bad guy. 

It was just a reminder of where he stood with every other side to ever exist. 

It was just a reminder of his place within Thomas, his role. 

But shortly after, he felt somewhat.. ashamed of his marking. 

Janus he never place why exactly he felt that way, not even after he got accepted and integrated with the previously deemed 'Light Sides' and the possibility arose that he'd been ashamed of one of them seeing it. 

Why, though, is something that never came to him. 

Now, though, he's in a romantic relationship with Roman. 

Which, is obviously, an issue. 

A pretty large one, too. 

How the fuck would he explain why he has his name carved into his body? 

Roman doesn't even know about his history with self harm yet. Janus doesn't exactly plan on telling him either. 

He's doing better now, a lot better, and by the time he made the carving he'd already considered slowing his self harm down (mainly because he was running out of space, and if he continued it'd be more and more noticeable). 

He's.. about one year clean, and he doesn't think he'll be brought back to that terrible addiction once more. 

Not anytime soon, anyway. 

It's still an issue. 

At some time in the near future, it will start to get suspicious if Janus never takes his clothes off in front of Roman. 

They're dating now, and Janus didn't mention anything about being ace (mainly because he's not) or being overly insecure to Roman, so yeah, pretty fucking sus. 

There's a knock on the door, and that's when Janus realizes he's let himself be absorbed in his thoughts once again. "Be out in a sec-" Janus starts to say as he reaches for his shirt, but is interrupted by Roman opening the bathroom door. Fuck, he must've not been responding for a while, or Roman was just really.. quick to jump on things today. 

Janus turned to his boyfriend, nothing but plain fear evident in both his eyes. 

"Roman, look-" Janus tried, but was cut off (yet again) by Roman, this time with the princely man rushing over to his side. 

Roman looked so, so concerned it was nearly disgusting -- _how could someone care for him that much?_ The word was obviously scarred over, and the rest of the scars on his arms and chest have long sense faded into a color barely lighter than his regular skin tone. 

"Jan?" Roman looked down at his boyfriend of almost eight months (not very long, he knows) and is filled with so much concern and worry it throws him for a loop. 

Even being the second most emotional side, he wasn't aware someone could feel so much so intensely. 

And he can't even begin to imagine how strongly someone would need to feel to want to do what he just saw his boyfriend had done to himself some time ago. 

The time doesn't particularly matter, it's the fact that at one time, Janus felt so bad that he'd permanently marked himself with a blade (he was assuming, but he knew Janus used a sharp object).

".. is there anything I can do to make it better?" Roman asked, cupping his hand over Janus's, which was covering the scar. 

Janus looked up at him in surprise-- he wasn't mad? 

He wasn't demanding he tell him what's wrong? 

He-- he wasn't yelling at him, or.. breaking up with him? 

"Aren't you mad?" 

The question slipped out before he could catch himself.

Roman looked upset at the very implication. 

Or maybe he was upset at Janus. _Fuck, he was mad, wasn't he--_

"No, Janus. I'd never be mad at you for something like this. Ever." The firm yet comforting tone in his voice left no room for argument or doubt. 

Janus wanted to cry.

So, he did. 

He cried and cried and cried until he pulled away because _he's annoying Roman and Roman probably hates him and is going to break up with him--_

And then once Roman assures him that he'd never, he could never annoy him, not to the point of breaking up, and not over something like crying, Janus is crying into Roman's chest again.

They'd talk about the carving one day, probably after this, but right now, all Janus knew was that Roman loved him, and he'd be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> and for those of you who consistently read my fics:
> 
> a janus fic that isn't completely vent? oh my god i've gone insane-- 
> 
> and again:
> 
> holy fuck i think writing one sentence then putting an entire space after is my brand now, along with all the venty jan boi fics


End file.
